Today was (we thought) the last hurrah. Our guests had tickets to fly out mid-day Friday, and so I planned our Thursday accordingly, including a BIG FINALE.
But then my friends got on the phone this morning and changed their tickets and they are here until late Friday night.
But I still had the BIG FINALE planned for today......so I went with it.
We had oh-so-many plans: The Surfing Goat Dairy, a high-class high-art photo shoot, shopping, gelato, lunch at the Four Seasons Resort, beach time, and then the BIG FINALE - the Big Fancy Fucking Luau complete with a fire dancer and an open bar.
Yes, I am awesome. And yes, I am known for blowing my wad way too early. Which is why I planned all of this for the last day. But then, you know, they changed their tickets which means that I am shit out of ideas for tomorrow - their actual last day. Wad? You were early. AGAIN.
So anyway, we had all of these plans, you see. And somehow, even with all of those plans, we ended up staying at the house until 1:30pm.
But in my defense, I am pretty sure if you had a house like this but only for another 24 hours, with a beautiful pool, and it was warm and sunny outside, and you could smell the lilikois ripening on the vine and watch the golden mangos dropping from the trees with the weight of their juice........well I think you would have stayed home too.
So we skipped the goats and the photos and the shopping and the gelato and went straight to the Four Seasons. Only, by the time we got there it was 2:30, and by the time we ate it was 3:30, and the luau started at 5 so there really wasn't much time for the beach, and now we were all too full to actually eat the food at the luau, and so we hung out in the lobby - which is actually pretty palatial so that was fine, and I spent half an hour in the girls bathroom just hanging out in there because it turns out the girls room is pretty palatial too. I believe I may have left my valet ticket in the girls room while I was busy admiring the wallpaper, because when I finally made it to the luau and went to get the parking ticket validated the damn thing was nowhere to be found. So I called the valet and when Kimo or Kai or whoever the hell it was answered the phone all I could say was "I lost my valet ticket already and I just dropped off the car 30 minutes ago - do I need to be worried about this?" Kimo or Kai or whoever the hell answered the phone was real cool and told me not to worry about it and they wouldn't let anyone steal my Mini even if they had the ticket that I may or may not have left in the girl's bathroom.
So now I was at the luau and woo fucking hooo - right? Except I was still full from lunch and even though it was an open bar I couldn't drink because I had to drive home because Sami had already declared that he was NOT the designated driver and also because he consumed 3 MaiTais before he even sat down and that shit is like calling shotgun only it's serious business and not just about who gets carsick the easiest.
So he's drinking and I'm rooting around in my purse again, this time searching for the Advil that I may or may not have left in the girl's room with that damn ticket and I look around and they have announced that it's almost sunset and now would be a perfect time for pictures by the water and that the luau has photographers all ready to take your photos. And they were right, it was the perfect time, which I had just told our guests 5 minutes earlier, and they had all trooped down to the water and my buddy had his BIG ASS CAMERA that we were supposed to use for the aforementioned and subsequently cancelled high class/high art photo shoot. This camera was about 10 times bigger than the cameras everyone else (including the professional luau photographers) had, and so naturally, while our group was getting our photos taken by our friend, the rest of the luau lined up behind him waiting for THEIR TURN to get THEIR photo taken by the guy with the best camera. Only, you know, he didn't work for the luau and wasn't there to take their pictures and BOY WERE THEY ANGRY because we got some sweet-ass pictures taken, and they had some still-great-but-definitely-not-as-awesome-as-ours photos taken and ours were free and theirs were definitely NOT.
And it's a good thing they didn't wait for their turn because my buddy took photos of all of us until it was dark and then he just kept going and MY GOD the man didn't take any photos of the luau because he was taking pictures of all of us and at one point I looked away from the dancers and everyone else at the table was getting their picture taken, playing a video game, or text messaging and I was all "What the fuck is going on?"
So basically long story short we should have just stayed at the house all day eating lilikoi and mango and drinking and taking pictures of each other like a big bunch of narcisisstic assholes. It would have been way cheaper and I wouldn't have had to be the designated driver, and I would still have my Advil which I may or may not have left in the damn girl's bathroom with that pretty pretty wallpaper.
1 hour ago